i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
