i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
