I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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