They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
