You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
