Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
