His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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