I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
