Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize