so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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