Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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