you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
