meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
