I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
