he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
