remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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