i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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