i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
