Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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