I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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