he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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