I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
