I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
