If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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