I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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