I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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