I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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