Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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