I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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