The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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