Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
