No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
