Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
