to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize