until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
