Can i not drive my cunt home
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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