i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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