Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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