Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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