I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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