I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
