cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
