11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
