there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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