Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
