This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize