we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
