fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
