i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
