i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
