that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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