He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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