every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You pole danced in your parka.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
