I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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