I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just found puke in my bra..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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