my being single is dangerous.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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