Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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