I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
