I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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