i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
