listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
