Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
