The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
