absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
