i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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