Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish they made helmets for livers.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
