i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i love accidental penises.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
