Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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